My how times have change.
And yet they haven’t at all.
“Don’t wait for your ship to come in; swim out to it.”
Sometimes it feels like my family is falling apart.
Everything is an argument.
I’m never right. That would be wrong.
Sometimes, its like my family turned their backs.
As though they don’t care.
I kind of like being alone sometimes.
If I am around them, they yell at me.
If I hide away, they yell at me.
No point to it.
They’re just making it worse for when I break.
They insist on talking to me. I don’t want to talk.
When you’re silent, no one can tell you you’re wrong, no one can make fun of your opinions.
Yet they still find a way to prove me wrong.
They’re killing me. In the sense, that I can’t trust people because of them, I don’t feel comfortable around people because of them.
I’m not even sure if I can call them my family anymore.
Sometimes, I just feel nothing for them.
Family doesn’t do this to other family.
Thanksgiving has passed and Christmas is just around the corner. The Christmas music has been playing in the stores since Halloween.
Once Christmas has passes, the new year will come, showing another year passed. Another year closer to our demise.
This is a year I’d like to forget, just like last year. Don’t get me wrong, I had some good parts to the year. Very good parts.
But overall, just like last year, the year has been tainted and become a dud. Now I’m just counting down the days.
I always hope around this time that when the new year comes, it will be like a fresh start but I know, the only thing that has changed is the year on my papers. I’m still who I was before, and everyone else is who they were.
New years resolutions will be made, and then broken within the first week.
I hope this year will be different. I don’t have the best of luck with Christmas. It is as though this holiday doesn’t like me.
One thing is for sure, just like last year, I want to walk in the cold and look at the Christmas lights.
I always wanted to have the scene in the movies. Where the windows are covered in frost and the snow creates sheets across the ground. During the day everything is white, but during the night, when the lights come on, the snow reflects the lights like thousands of mini mirrors, and the world turns into a winter wonderland.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t snow where I live. Once I am eighteen, and can leave this town, I’ll get my winter wonderland.
I promise you that.
The sky will be lit up in brilliant colors and I’ll have to wrap myself tight just to stay warm.
And when I’m older, I’ll crouch in front a fire, with my hot chocolate, the love of my life, and just reflect on how beautiful the world is this time of year.
We’ll look at how lucky we are to be here to witness it, together. To share the memory.
Day Old Hate.
Arguing is all you seem to want to do.
After some wine and a clash of opinions. You are so preoccupied with what you want, with it being all about you, with it only going your way and no one else’s.
You argue over the same thing over and over. I’m sick of hearing the same fight.
One day you’ll realize that you’re acting like a child. But by then it will be too late. I’ll be long gone. And happy.
I’m so sick of you trying to pin everything in your life on someone else and when we try telling you it is because of you, you make an even bigger fuss.
Sometimes you just have to suck it up and admit you’re wrong. Be the adult like you are.
Sometimes you’re wrong, and you can’t seem to understand that.
You are so caught up in what you want, how you want it your way, how you’re so perfect.
You can’t even see past your ‘perfect’ vision.
Maybe, hopefully, you’ll see one day, you’re not perfect. Maybe one day you’ll realize I’ve got my own set of problems, I don’t need yours.
Maybe you’ll figure it out before I crack.
You’re so self absorbed you don’t even see the road I am willingly going down. The road that I am happy to follow.
Because right now, honestly, I can’t wait until I hit rock bottom so that you can finally see something is wrong.
It isn’t said enough these days.
But I’m saying it now. Better late than never, I suppose.
I always feel bad because I don’t say thank you, or I love you enough. I know I don’t say it enough. Yet I can never bring myself to say it more.
I always want to say I love you and to drive safe before my dad leaves for work, but I don’t.
I always want to tell my mom the same, but I don’t.
I always want to say thank you for being there. Even when we argue a lot, when we don’t get along. Thank you for being my rock when I cry.
Even when you don’t believe me, thank you thinking of what could have happened.
Even when you tell me I can’t go somewhere, thank you for caring enough to keep me from possible harm, even if there wasn’t any.
I always want to talk to friends, or my boyfriend everyday just to make sure they’re okay.
But I don’t.
I always feel like such a bother to everyone. I feel like I am just going to annoy them.
I’m afraid, I’ll feel that way and miss my last chance to talk to them. I’m afraid I’ll miss my last chance to say I love you.
I’m afraid of it because it has happened.
I was too afraid of planes, so I missed out on getting to know you better.
I didn’t feel like hanging out with you when you asked and now I still can’t believe you’re gone.
I went home to sleep and I accidentally overslept. I didn’t get to tell you one last time how beautiful I thought, and still think, you are, nor did I get to tell you I see you as a second mom, I see your family as a second family. If only I had stayed up four more hours, I could have.
I never took into consideration to thank you for what you did to teach students the meaning of Veteran’s Day. I just saw it as another thing to get me out of class. I never went back and thanked you for allowing me to partake in the human flag. Nor did I tell you how funny I thought you were. Now here I am, planning on joining the military, and the person who was one of the biggest military supporters in my middle school left us just last month. I’m sorry I never thanked you. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay the whole service.
Even the simplest things people have done in my life have helped shape and mold who I am today. And I more than likely never thanked them, and I have now missed my chance and I really wish I hadn’t.
But, alas, I’m human and I have missed these opportunities, no turning back. I will miss many more opportunities, and I’ll regret those, but I can’t change that.
I’ll do my best, but I know me, and I know, I’ll just slip into my old daily habits.
So when I forget, just know, I really am thankful and I do love you.
Even if sometimes I really don’t show it.
Give me time, it’ll come.
Even if it comes too late.
I love your hugs. More than any other hug I receive.
Your hugs mean more. They make me feel like a small child, so innocent, and without responsibility. Every time you hug me, I feel the wave of relief wash over me because I know you accept me.
I’ve told you everything, and you still are willing to be by my side.
Every hug, to me, is like another acceptance. One less judgmental movement I receive every day.
I find myself in your arms. Who I really am. I am young, and I am still just as innocent as I was when i was young.
I found what I wanted all along: to be accepted, by someone, anyone.
When we hug I pay attention to the small things, like your steady breath, your warmth, your heartbeat. It reminds me it is all real, no longer something I dream about.
Most of all, however, when we hug, one thing is for sure:
I don’t want to let go.
I just want to stay safe in your arms that are like walls of a castle.
They won’t let anything hurt me.
Thanksgiving is in a few days.
Most people don’t really understand the true meaning of thanksgiving.
They see it as a day off school or work and a day to eat as much food as you can and it not be frowned upon.
Thanksgiving is more than that.
Take a look at your life. What are you thankful for?
Are you thankful that, despite the recession, you’re still one of the lucky ones who still have a home to celebrate in? Or did you not even think about that.
How about, are you thankful that you still have both your parents alive, both parents are married, or that one of your parents are doing their best on their own? Or did you forget to mention that in your list of things you’re thankful for?
Here’s the cake topper: Are you thankful that you’re still alive? Or did you just expect every day to come to you because every day has come so far?
At first, I found it difficult for me to find something to be thankful for. Then I thought about it.
This year, I am thankful for:
Being brought to God.
Still having my parents not only still be alive, but they are still married.
Meeting someone who mended my broken heart.
Getting to see my friends that are in the military.
My church family.
It’s funny. I would say I am thankful for my friends in school but I don’t really have them. I have acquaintances. I have people that are more than acquaintances, but aren’t my friends. Friends are people I hang out with outside of school. People I hang out with at school are rarely even mentioned outside of it.
So instead I’ll say, I’m thankful for the ability to differentiate between friends, and the others.
There are hundreds of things I could go on about that I am thankful for.
I wish that more people would see that thanksgiving is more than just a day off to eat. But it is actually a day to embrace the people around you and remember that everything in your life, could be much, much worse.
I miss you, more than you may realize. Every day that passes is one day harder on me because you’re not here.
I wish I had just one more day with you. One more moment even.
But then again, if I got that then I’d probably want another and another.
Sometimes, I think I see you, or hear your voice. Only to remember, you’re not there. And you’ll never be there again.
I look at the pictures, the only thing I have left. I see you there and it brings you back to life for only a slight moment in time. I reflect on the few memories I have with you.
I wish I had made more when I had the chance.
Many people don’t understand how hard it is to live every day without you by my side. They don’t seem to realize how much you going away affected me. It tore me apart inside.
Every day I don’t see you, every time someone brings up your name, I shatter more and more inside. It is like a shredding feeling through my body. I want to cry but I just can’t cry anymore. My tears are all dried up now.
My body is all dried up now.
Yet. no matter what I tell myself, you’re still not coming back and the tears still want to flow.
I still think I can call you up. I still haven’t deleted your name from my phone. I wish that the number wasn’t disconnected. I wish I could call you just to get your voicemail. just so I could hear your voice again. I know I can’t.
Your voice resounds in my head and I fear that one day it will begin to fade just like the memories until the point of no return. I fear that one day I won’t remember you at all.
I’m terrified of that moment.
I’m afraid it may come one day.
I promise I won’t forget. At least, I’ll try my best. I don’t know what the future holds. Some promises can’t help but be broken.
I promised you I wouldn’t let you go, yet you’re gone.
I wish I could have kept that promise.
I didn’t choose to break that one. It just happened.
I wish you could return. I wish that promise was still intact.
But like me, it was broken long ago.
If you can somehow see this, know I love you and I miss you more than anything in the world and I will do my best to carry you through my life until my dying day when I can see you again.
You’ve gone in to the dark, and one day, I’ll follow you so you’re not alone.