Want.

I have always wanted to have that near death experience in front of my friends. The whole dramatic scene where I am smiling and happy then drop to the ground and have to have immediate resuscitation. A dramatic scene you would see on tv with some music playing in the background as everyone is rushing around me trying to save my life. The paramedics begin to put a breathing tube down my throat and have all my friends and acquaintances just watching it in slow motion not sure what they should do. 

Why would I want this kind of scene?

I’d want to know which one of my friends would make an effort to visit me at the hospital. To shed a tear over my expiring body. To prove themselves to me in a way. To prove that they deserve a spot in my life. To prove that they want a spot in my life.

Although I’d want that dramatic scene, I don’t want to risk staring death in the face. I don’t want to be dancing with time on the line between life and death. I don’t have to meet the chance of not making it out alive.

So I suppose I will never know who really wants to be in my life and who just wants me as an extra friend to boost their self-esteem.

You can only trust your instincts so much to choose your friends. Trust can only be given out so much.

Eventually you just have to decide who you want in your life as opposed to those you think may want you.

You’ll notice, you’re more alone that you think. But at the same time, if you have people around you that want to be there, and you want them, then you’re never really alone.

Three people who are true to you are worth more than three hundred who just take up space in your life.