Crying.

For whatever reason, happy, sad, mad, etc. Crying is supposed to me good. To ‘let out stress’. Or just to ‘let out emotions that are bottled up’.

‘When you cry over someone, it shows you care.’

But what if you don’t want to care anymore? What if you are tired of crying over them. Then it is as if you’re letting yourself down every time you start crying while thinking about them.

Then are tears such a good thing?

I cry every day. Multiple times. Do I want to? No. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I don’t like being in pain. Yet I am. Little things set me off.

Movies. Not because the movie is ‘Oh so sad. He died. Why did he have to die? Why?’ I cry because I relate the person dying, or getting hurt, or the heartbreak to my life, and it scares me, and makes life harder on me.

I do it a lot. I’m not the only one. That’s what movie makers want. They want you to connect to it to get a reaction like that out of you. If a movie, or book, can pull and emotion out of you, then you are more likely to like the movie. Buy it. Tell your friends about it. So on and so forth.

Maybe I just think to much. All I ever do is think. Sit here and think. I’m usually a very social person. Believe me, I am. But lately. I don’t like talking to people. All I do, is think. Life. Death. Future. Past. Love. Hate. Break ups. Make ups. Success. Failure. Promises. Lies.

I spend my life depressed because all I do is think. Try as I might, I don’t get to hang out with people very much. I’ve taught myself how to perfectly isolate myself so it is just me and my mind.

My mind is too complex. I can be thinking about a happy time and be laughing all along in an empty room but then one thought. One little thought can sneak in and I can begin to break down in tears in a room full of people.

Sometimes, I like tears. They are so familiar to me. I’ve learned to hide them so well. So no one knows I’m crying. They can’t hear me. And when they look at me, I know how to make it seem like they were never there.

I like the feel of tears when they roll down my cheeks. Mainly because they are cool against my warm skin. As if to calm. A cooling feel against my face.

I suppose tears are a good thing. For me they give me a feeling of washing the slate clean. If only for a couple of minutes. My problems are gone and wiped away.

Even if it is only a couple of minutes.

I wrote this for you. I miss you. You cause the tears to flow.

You’re the reason.