Hugs.

I love your hugs. More than any other hug I receive.

Your hugs mean more. They make me feel like a small child, so innocent, and without responsibility. Every time you hug me, I feel the wave of relief wash over me because I know you accept me.

I’ve told you everything, and you still are willing to be by my side.

Every hug, to me, is like another acceptance. One less judgmental movement I receive every day.

I find myself in your arms. Who I really am. I am young, and I am still just as innocent as I was when i was young.

I found what I wanted all along: to be accepted, by someone, anyone.

When we hug I pay attention to the small things, like your steady breath, your warmth, your heartbeat. It reminds me it is all real, no longer something I dream about.

Most of all, however, when we hug, one thing is for sure:

I don’t want to let go.

I just want to stay safe in your arms that are like walls of a castle.

They won’t let anything hurt me.

For once, my post is happy. For I am happy.

I’ve let go of anything that made me sad. I won’t allow myself to be sad. There is too much beauty in this world to spend your life cut off from viewing it. Even when I start to get sad, I smile, and it makes it better. It is as though the smile turns on a light, and it makes the world not seem so dark, not seem so sad.

On Sunday, 8 August 2010, I went to Church. I was Saved.

I went to church that entire week until Wednesday and I’ll tell you, it opened my mind.

It made me realize, the world is what you make it. You don’t have to let anything get you down. It made me rethink everything in my life. Including the people I have in my life. It made me realize I didn’t like how my life was heading and it showed me I could change that. I don’t have to go with it just because it is what I am used to.

So I broke away from that and I can see the change in myself that I have made within the short four days. It is the biggest change I have ever made in such a short time and I love it. I am always happy and when I’m happy I am always in a joking mood and just want to smile and laugh. Even if there is no reason to.

It makes me want to tell other people about how happy it has made me and I have told people. Many people.

It just makes me want to be nicer to everyone. I would snap at people because I was always in a bad mood and hurting but when I was saved I took that burden off my shoulders and I allowed my Savior, Jesus Christ, to set me free from them and He washed all my troubles away so I can start over and I’ll tell you, it is going to be a big change in everything I do.

I’m going to take my second chance and fly.

Crying.

For whatever reason, happy, sad, mad, etc. Crying is supposed to me good. To ‘let out stress’. Or just to ‘let out emotions that are bottled up’.

‘When you cry over someone, it shows you care.’

But what if you don’t want to care anymore? What if you are tired of crying over them. Then it is as if you’re letting yourself down every time you start crying while thinking about them.

Then are tears such a good thing?

I cry every day. Multiple times. Do I want to? No. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I don’t like being in pain. Yet I am. Little things set me off.

Movies. Not because the movie is ‘Oh so sad. He died. Why did he have to die? Why?’ I cry because I relate the person dying, or getting hurt, or the heartbreak to my life, and it scares me, and makes life harder on me.

I do it a lot. I’m not the only one. That’s what movie makers want. They want you to connect to it to get a reaction like that out of you. If a movie, or book, can pull and emotion out of you, then you are more likely to like the movie. Buy it. Tell your friends about it. So on and so forth.

Maybe I just think to much. All I ever do is think. Sit here and think. I’m usually a very social person. Believe me, I am. But lately. I don’t like talking to people. All I do, is think. Life. Death. Future. Past. Love. Hate. Break ups. Make ups. Success. Failure. Promises. Lies.

I spend my life depressed because all I do is think. Try as I might, I don’t get to hang out with people very much. I’ve taught myself how to perfectly isolate myself so it is just me and my mind.

My mind is too complex. I can be thinking about a happy time and be laughing all along in an empty room but then one thought. One little thought can sneak in and I can begin to break down in tears in a room full of people.

Sometimes, I like tears. They are so familiar to me. I’ve learned to hide them so well. So no one knows I’m crying. They can’t hear me. And when they look at me, I know how to make it seem like they were never there.

I like the feel of tears when they roll down my cheeks. Mainly because they are cool against my warm skin. As if to calm. A cooling feel against my face.

I suppose tears are a good thing. For me they give me a feeling of washing the slate clean. If only for a couple of minutes. My problems are gone and wiped away.

Even if it is only a couple of minutes.

I wrote this for you. I miss you. You cause the tears to flow.

You’re the reason.